The Midnight News 10.03.01
Posted By Hyatte on 10.03.01
Numbers, Smackdown, Not Tough Enough, Buff, The Smarks, The Return of Sean Shannon, McMahon Sucks, How to Get an Ass Kicking, and Love Letters
You repugnant reptile! How dare you waste my precious time with false advertisement! You loathsome little troll!! Keep this shit up and as god as my witness, I will take the first Afghani-terrorist free airplane to Rhode island and turn your goddamn face into apple cause with my fists! And my mom isn't fat, she is just "nutrientally challenged". You c*ck shuffler!
Ed.
I enjoyed that one.
wow. you really got a knack, dont you? you wont stop until you take over this whole webpage, right? i hope you get fired! F*CK YOU!
kenny
I enjoyed that one too.
I'm Chris and this is the news. Too tired last night to do anything... very busy week. I checked deep within my being to see if there was any guilt about doing this... any guilt in letting you fine readers down by not doing my duty by hammering out another news column as is expected of me. Guilt over blowing off the night RAW came on.... possibly the MOST IMPORTANT NIGHT TO WRESTLING FANS EVERYWHERE!!!!
Yes, I checked my soul... very deeply.
Nope, not a single shred of guilt... I found some repressed homosexuality and a deep, deep seeded wave of rage thanks to Daddy never loving me....but no guilt. Not for you.
For my WORKING readers... who are aware of the concept that "longer hours = more money", I'm sure you can relate to not wanting to do this after a 12 hour day. Everyone else who still sucks on Mom's wallet and plays Playstation all day can go stick a hypodermic filled with Bleach in their veins and die. Only, of course, if you actually have a problem with this.... well... no, go do it anyway.
Hey! I'm babbling about myself!! No one cares! Feeling's mutual!
WHO WATCHED THIS CRAP??
Hmm, if I am to keep running this "Evil Heel" gimmick, I really should change "crap" to "shit"... I'll have to think on that.
The Torch says that RAW banged a 4.4 rating for the night... every week, it drops a little more. In fact, the WWF hasn't seen a 5 since August.
You know, I can see why.... I didn't even watch it, and I don't miss not watching it. It's just that people grow out of the inherent silliness of the business. It's fun for a while, but over time, it grows tiresome. It's like Disney. Kids love the cartoons, but they grow up.... that's why Disney gets a bump in popularity every seven years or so... a new generation discovers the magic. That's what wrestling needs... a new generation.
That said... I must say that self referencing X-Pac's "fall" by way of Edge's "By the way, 1998 called, and their SICK of you! So come join the rest of us in 2001!" was nothing short of brilliant.
WHO'S GONNA WATCH THIS SHIT??
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA I am EVIL SQUARED!
Smackdown came, went, and someone with a satellite feed quickly posted the spoilers. Nevermind who. I forgot already...
From the looks of it... watch Charmed instead.
TOO MUCH "ENOUGH", NOT ENOUGH "TOUGH"
In case you were wondering, "Tough Enough Loser CHRIS will try to use that small bit of heat he has from being a spoiled lazy ass Harvard grad to work the Indys. Josh will work some shows too. Josh was crying so hard about losing that he refused to be interviewed by WWF.com.
Apparently, Josh is a bit of a pussy.
I have no clue who I am talking about anymore. Could be one of two people.
BUFFY THE CAREER SLAYER
Buff Bagwell joined someone from No Hold's Barred.com to talk about how everyone wronged him and how he is more misrepresented that OJ. Yes, I am still doing OJ material. Yes, I am still calling this crap "material". FLY A JET INTO MY HOUSE WHY DON'CHA!!!
-Buff opens by saying that he had no idea there were wrestling fans in Australia. He didn't even know that black guys in the Outback even owned a TV.
-His first appearance in Australia, promoting that PPV show he was doing, drew 1000 people!!! Wow, almost FOUR TIMES the people who visited the Lords of Pain last month.
-Then the interview and Bagwell spent a good 10 minutes discussing the traffic in Atlanta... way to go, dickhead
-Buff always knew that the business would take a nosedive if 2 companies became one! Oh, yeah.. it's all there in his quatrains... right after the part where a giant drought in Malaysia will precede the 3rd World War in 1988, started... of course, by the 3rd AntiChrist. (I'm still betting on Rob Lowe)
-Buff doesn't think WCW's fall was anyone's fault... other than that damn laborer who he tuned up on for getting in nowhere near his way.
-Buff doesn't think of himself as a major star, but he knows he can put a few butts in the seats... (and a few butts in the Hospital for tissue rupturing... YOWZA, he's stacked!), so his WWF dismissal was more political than anything else. (He loudly supported Ralph Nader... he had to go)
-He said that no one knows the REAL Buff... the one who is a really nice guy!
-There was a lot more... but I'm tired of this... it's no longer amusing to me... SO GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS!!!
WHY THE NET SUCKS!
Fun stuff going on at the Smarks.com
"Look, the only good thing that came out of September 11th was that Olson's troglodytic talking head of a wife, who was more right-wing than Hitler and had similar attitudes to liberals as the aforementioned did to Jews, got smeared all over the Pentagon... "
That's from Eric Szculewski (eh... close enough) a day ago.
Well, because this Net is to be taken SERIOUSLY... Scott Keith fired him... this is a business... a corporate empire... DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!! WRITERS ARE TO PERFORM PROFESSIONALLY!!!!
Ugh...
Speaking of Scott Keith, he had this to say about the WTC thingy...
"I'm Canadian and not 100% as up on the details of who was killed and such"
Just like I thought... he just patiently waited this out until things settled down and he could get back to being him.
Oh, and a little bird told me that Sean Shannon is looking to get back into the Wrestling Web Business as a "silent partner"... which, knowing his utter demand for popular acceptance or recognition, will probably stay "silent" for a month, tops.
As for Eric... Widro will take him in a flash... Widro loves those unpronounceable last names
JUST SAYING NO TO VINCE
Someone sent me a rebuttal to a column found here. I thought I'd post the article in question... feel free to agree or disagree as you like. Just don't bug me about it.
A fortune is spurned for love of country
Sunday, September 30, 2001
Five years ago, Matt Ghaffari laid out the World Wrestling Federation's offer on his kitchen table. All it needed was a signature, selling his soul. Vince McMahon delivered a seven-figure contract to a man with a wife, four kids, a mortgage, and six-figure debts accrued over years as a world-class amateur athlete. At the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Ghaffari had gone the distance with legendary Alexander Karelin in the heavyweight final, losing the gold and weeping as the Russian flag rose above the Stars and Stripes.
Nevertheless, McMahon was determined to make Ghaffari a star of his creep show. He signed a gold medalist, Kurt Angle, born and raised in Pittsburgh, and turned him out as a villain. Yet, Ghaffari, born and raised in Tehran, Iran, refused. This had to be a negotiating stand, McMahon deduced. He raised the offer.
Did McMahon know Ghaffari led a delegation of thousands to reopen Centennial Olympic Park after the terrorist bombing? Did he understand Ghaffari was the first athlete in the hospitals to visit the victims? Maybe McMahon wasn't alone. Maybe a lot of Americans have a hard time believing an Arab-American Muslim could be so committed to this country and its ideals.
"How do they refer to you as an Olympian? It's the 'U.S. weightlifter, the U.S. boxer, the U.S. heavyweight wrestler,' " Ghaffari said from his suburban Cleveland home. "It isn't just about you, but about who you represent. I would never smear that. I wouldn't do it for any amount of money. I would never bring shame to my flag and my silver medal that way. I would be embarrassed to tell my kids what I did. Hitting people with chairs? Spitting on them? I wouldn't do it, no matter what they offered me. And they offered me a lot."
Millions of us love America like Ghaffari, who loves it sea to shining sea, but few ever get to make a stand in private life like him. So, does he get to stay now? Do the people wanting Middle-Eastern Americans rounded up like Japanese-Americans were during World War II approve of Matt Ghaffari? Make no mistake: Ghaffari sees the fear and uncertainty sweeping the nation, manufacturing a second wave of victims from the Sept.11 terrorist attacks. Ghaffari happens to be a practicing Muslim whom Americans remember wrapped in an American flag, but most Middle Easterners never get a chance to make such public proclamations of patriotism. Of course, they never knew it was necessary to live peacefully here. Some have traded turbans for baseball caps in public. Some are simply too scared to leave the house.
If your skin is dark, and your name hard to pronounce, you fear you're a target these days.
"Maybe with my size, anyway," said Ghaffari, 6-foot-4 and 285 pounds, "they always were afraid to say much to my face."
In 1977, as a 14-year-old, Ghaffari and his family fled Iran for the United States, settling in Paramus. His father had a well-founded fear of a revolution overthrowing the Shah, a regime that within two years held Americans hostages. This was no time to be a Muslim in America, never mind an Iranian.
Cleveland State University's wrestling coach, Dick Bonnaci, feared for his star heavyweight's safety. On the road, he changed Ghaffari to Ghaffario on the team roster.
"He made me Italian," Matt said.
Never again. This is his country, his home, and his olive skin and place of birth won't chase him into hiding. Now, he sees the abuse going on, hears native American friends in Ohio stopped in public places and asked: "Are you an Arab?" and he prays these are the confused reactions of good people. He prays people understand Osama bin Laden and the Taliban are as detestable to most Muslims as the Irish Republican Army is to most Catholics.
"When I beat Iranians, Turks, beat all wrestlers from the Middle East, they didn't consider me a Muslim, but a traitor," Ghaffari said. "But most Americans are mature enough to know one of the reasons my family left Iran was that they weren't extremists and didn't agree with the policies; like a majority of Muslims in this country.
"I think our president is doing a fantastic job, bringing Muslim clergy and American-Arabs in front of the TV, and telling us: 'These are Americans.' People are scared now. They don't know how to react, who to believe is the enemy. I do think that after all the venting, there's going to be a time to grow from this in America. I just believe too strongly in our people, our country."
This is the time Americans could use the voice of Matt Ghaffari, but a spiraling economy has forced corporations to cut back on hiring him for motivational speeches. There was a national amateur wrestling championship set for Madison Square Garden this weekend, but it was called off. Here, they planned to honor Ghaffari, making his retirement official at a dinner. The terrorists caused its cancellation. Ghaffari considered trying to reach the Athens Olympics in 2004, but 38 years and 13 operations behind him, he understood life as a two-time American Olympian and champion could carry his legacy as a wrestler.
On the telephone Friday night, Ghaffari apologized for sounding so tired, what with eight hours of classes wearing him out that day. Where's he going to turn to substitute income for the lost speaking engagements, he isn't sure. Rest assured, though, he won't be digging into his desk drawer, and pulling out that worn, old contract. He still has a mortgage and debt, a wife, and four kids. Maybe Vince McMahon could use an olive-skinned villain for his freak show. Of course, maybe he ought to keep looking.
Too bad... because if he did sign, he'd be the biggest heel going today!!! WHOOOO!!
Hey, if some clown tried to make ME a Wop... I'd be pissed too!
MANY OF YOU CAN USE THIS
Someone informed me of this thing, found on EBay... (or a reasonable facsimile)
I will kick your ass.
Item # 1641798199
Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. You should contact the seller to resolve any questions before bidding. Auction currency is U.S. dollars ( $ ) unless otherwise noted.
Description
Winning bid receives an ass-kicking from me personally. I am 6'0" and weigh over 230 lbs. If you win this auction, I will personally come to your house and kick your ass. I guarantee that I will not break any bones or kill you, nor will I use any weapons on you, but I will give you a good beating. I will do this under two conditions:
1) You or anyone else does not press charges against me(after all, you bought the ass-kicking),
2) You do not fight back or attempt to physically harm me in any other manner (this is your ass getting kicked, not mine).
Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.
Upon my arrival, I will select a random time to come over and kick your ass. It may be when you are sleeping, or showering, or any other time during the day/night when you are most vulnerable. During this beating I may damage one or more of your household items, if I have to break glass to get into your home or knock over furniture if you attempt to run from me. This should be expected by you, and covered in my expenses. If you are married or have children, I may choose to slap around your family a little bit, but only if I'm feeling particularly generous. They should be informed of this, and expect it as well.
Bidding starts at one cent ($0.01) but remember the winner must pay all expenses for my travel if they wish for me to come and kick their ass.
I will accept check, money order, or Paypal. Or you could just let me use your valid credit card for a few days and we'll call it even.
Seriously, some of you should look into this... you really, really need it.
BUT, PLUGS
Let's have fun with this...(of course, I am talking to MYSELF AND MYSELF ALONE)
Posted today is the following...
Shellie Lepere has something called "Wrestling Lepreciation" that has an exclusive interview (sort of) with Jimmy Snuka.
Craig Letawsky has another installment of "Ask 411"
And, Daniel Benovitz has another "Tornado DDT" featuring the ten best talkers of all time.
Ofcourse411andmyselfstronglyurgeyoutoreadthemallBUT... I only have links to TWO of these three columns...
Click away and see WHO gets a link, and WHO got the shaft from the King of the Net?
TAKE US HOME, ME
I feel like posting more letters.... only in order to get the MOST heat (I am an EVIL TROLL HEEL, after all)... I thought I'd post nothing but POSITIVE letters!
PFFFFTH
Hyatte, I've read your shit since the Villano mop-ups (briefly losing you each time you switched sites, but whatever). I've never felt compelled to write until now. Most people who open messages to you in this fashion at the moment probably proceed to complain, cry for attention and demand that you grant them some meager amount of dignity. After all, considering
everything THEY'VE done for YOU, you OWE them appreciation. It is f*cking mind-blowing that anyone could interpret the situation like that, but I think most net-readers feel that way about their beloved net-writers--one thing a certain fat bitter pussycat was probably right about.
However, unlike that pussycat (who, once he realized the nature of his relations to his "readership," guaranteed that no one intelligent would EVER "participate" or "give constructive feedback" by foolishly trying to bully them), you seem to have found a way to reconcile this relationship in a simple, honest, dare I say even brilliant manner. Dickheads who desperately need recognition (victims of the Hegelian master-slave dialectic, in truth, but you probably don't give a rat's ass about that), find nothing so incomprehensible as one who disavows any desire to extract recognition from others (for example, by simply not giving a good god damn if they likey or no-likey. stay or go. live, die, or shit popsicle sticks). These psychologically butchered individuals (who probably comprise the vast majority of society) have no recourse but to assume that your "new direction" is a desperate attention-seeking lie.
They can comprehend it in no other terms. They funniest part is this--there is no surer way to keep the readership of such individuals than by constantly telling them that you do not care if they stop reading your work.
I suppose it is at least conceivable that they are right, but I highly doubt it. Here lies irony of the highest sort: back when I thought you might care or appreciate feedback, I didn't write one goddamn thing. Not even a simple thank-you for entertaining me these last few years. Now,
having been instructed that you couldn't care less about what I think, I write you this dick-suckingly overlong congratulatory note. My little way of sending a hearty, respectful, "f*ck you" back in your direction. If you've read this far.
Kyle
I will give you credit, you have an uncanny ability to make people hate you for nothing. People hate you b/c you tell them to, then they hate you more b/c you tell them that you made them hate you in the first place. Funny. And I have noticed that the "News" has become more of a forum for you to interact with your 'fans' than it has become a news site. But the board posts everything in quick hits throughout the day anyway, so its kind of interesting to see that so many fans of something so blatantly fake (rasslin), can take themselves so seriously. So I say be a dick to everyone and let it get to your head. Most of them are just jealous b/c they didn't think of it first.
Dan
There just is not another wrestling news report that is going to give me a scoop on the sex lives of Star Trek stars! F*ck the naysayers! Thank you Hyatte!
Jason Schneider
Jeezus I have fun reading your stuff..... I hope you have half as much busting these guys balls as I do reading about it. Wait, this should be the part of the letter where I go off about how great you once were, blah blah blah..... Hmmmmm, lets see, what used to make you better than you are now (like you or I care)... THATS IT! Not enough Unpredictable Johnny Rodz references!!! Later, keep having fun, most of us will too.
Bruce
To all of Hyatte's former and current readers, All Hyatte has done for the past week is the same goddamn thing he has done since day one. The only difference is he is vocally saying what we already knew, he will say whatever he wants to make him happy. So for all you idiots that say that you will never read his column again because it has changed maybe it is you that never grasped his column to begin with. I hope Hyatte continues to entertain himself as well as me in the future and I am sure the intelligent members of the wrestling net community do as well
JB
the scary thing is that i am scared that you are desperately trying to get out of doing this internet thing without feeling like you are letting people down. i will understand... no wait I won't, but you probably don't care anyway.
Mark McCormack
Yes, bask in my glory!
You will notice that there are no e-mail links attached... AND every letter is well written with proper syntax, grammar, and spelling.
Did Mr. McCormack stumble upon my master plan???
Time will tell
This is Hyatte